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Janice

♥♥ My words makes sense all the times, at least that's how I feel. I take pleasure in holding the camera, owning the things I love & good food. I love cats, that's for sure. And I believe in deciding my own fate.

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POINTLESS SHIT .

Sunday, July 09, 2006 8:02 AM

if that's the bad-state u wanted to see me in, congratuations, u did it.
i admit defeat this time. u succeeded in bringing me down.

not only u pushed me down umpteen times, u stepped on me hard .
thanks for ripping my wounds apart . .
it's hard for me to stand up again .

i really have nth to say , if u feel thats wad i eventually deserve for all my efforts all along.
so this is what u feel i should finally get in return . fine .
for this whole year, i wondered how many lies i've actually believed & how many nonsense u did behind me. silly me . nvm. past .

made a fool a again. always the fucking idiot here.
how long have i been kept in the dark again ?!
how much have u actually hid from me..
if i did not said to leave u alone for the time being, are u gonna hide everything from me forever & drag on and on?
& so.. all along, ur so-called no time .. were repeated lies, am i right? ..
i worth NTH in ur heart . .

i dunno what i did wrong to deserve all this .
everything's so vicious & the facts so hard to accept.
smth is stuck there in my heart. i dunno what.

i refused to believe what you said, i trusted you ! i tot u were trying to drive me away..
den, i can't believe my eyes at first, i prayed i was dreaming all along.
but i'm snapped back into reality here. how long could i lie to myself?
it aint gonna work. IT HAS BECOME REALITY .
i bet my heart skipped a beat for that moment .
something i least expected n never will dream of, actually came true.
after 1 year later & all the ups & down we've been thru.. u decided to tk a fucking u-turn! hw abt me? .. .

no time for r/s ? stress? no time? ya .. this is what u said . i tried my best to understand.. ended up?..
no freedom ? ya. u felt that way..ask urself carefully pls. maybe if i din let u go anywhere without me all the time, all these won't even happen. But u are really out of control therefore i gave up, if u did realised.
Just when i was able to put more trust in you by not questioning much & nt being so fuck glue .. this is what u do to me, AGAIN .
Too late . U stabbed me hard, into my heart once again .
I haven even fully recovered since last time. U can't blame me for being so sensitive all along, u noe i can't help it . And u urself shd noe why . If i din love u at all, u think i'll care ? ..
Reasons u kept avoiding n giving me lies n excuses for the past weeks? I DON'T DARE TO IMAGINE WHY .
It's not easy to be always waiting for ur own bf to meet up with you..
not even once a week . no efforts put in, nt at all, only empty promises.
maybe you find me a bother. maybe u feel i don't understand you.. but pls, look. i tried my best not to quarrel with u over minor things by not bugging u that often.. but u took everything for granted. you thought i did not care when i din msg u.
if i cared a little me more, u ASK ME NOT TO ASK SO MUCH ..
i beared with ur temper, i tried not to say much when u suddenly show attitude in ur msges.
i hope u did felt my efforts. i really hope u did, cos i tried.
tell me what shd i do instead? i tried my best to always be there..
i tried my best to understand u. i swear i did, but u don't seem to think so at all.
look what u've did . . left me speechless .

i dunno where i did wrong. i dunno where im nt good enough . .
y do i actually deserve all these im getting?! ... why ..

so much for begging all this time, willing to accomodate with everything n anything at all. i pleaded so hard, i did everything i could ..
at first u were concerned, soon u ignored almost everything,
leaving me waiting all the time like a dumb fool. giving myself false hopes n excuses for u.
ended up, im the bad guy DISTURBING U ALL . not a single explanation from you.
my conscience is clear. i din do u any wrong. I DID NOT EVER .

THEN i finally came to realize why everything isnt working at all.

i tried all means & ways, friendster, sms and even email -.-"
i guess i was pretty annoying, even i myself couldnt stand it, BUT DAMN I SWEAR I WAS REALLY DESPERATE N HELPLESS ALREADY.
what else could i do to make u concern abt me like before!?
den ..my pleads came back with hurting replies or worse still, no replies.
and the most jialat one is, u din even respect me @ all, leaving someone else to reply my msges. how would u feel if i were to do the same thing to you ?! ..
u knew i HATE IT ! & that person is indeed VERY RUDE .
It's ok. I know who that person is already.

where are the 3 chances u mentioned. u never even gave me 1 , n u walked off like that, nt even turning back at all .
i swear i din mean to leave in the first place, i felt no assurance from u, nt even bothering to answer my simple questions. i was really tired.. after that i regretted because i thought for you.. your so-called stress n' other reasons for neglecting me for weeks..
but so what if i din leave u? i'm gonna be that stupid spare tyre kept in the dark for al l the time ..
now .. who would have thought that the actual reason can fucking hurt me so bad. it's like history repeating itself. my fears, all came back..!

what's 1 year plus relationship compared to few days?!
maybe it started weeks & even mths back, before i left u, i dunno . NOT INTERESTED .
But where did ur compassion went to? is ur heart even still there? ..
but well, i left my heart with you back then . don't destroy it thou .
i still harbours hopes abt u coming back. call me dumb, whatever .

u can just change in days . what abt me? .. u left me behind since that day, miserable .
Its ok.
i can see ure doing great n' smiling happily, good thing for u.
so i think u don give a fuck abt me anymore.
as simple as blinking ur eyes, there i go, out of ur life already. Great .
No point pestering someone whose heart has changed drastically in sucha short time, thou' i'll miss u as much as before .
But that is what love is like . i'll try my best to be happy for u. -.-"

BLESSINGS TO THE PERSON I'VE NEVER STOP LOVING MOST SINCE 240505.
i'm not gonna hate you . i can't bring myself to do so as well . BUT PLS DON'T ATTEMPT FURTHER TO MAKE ME DO SO .
take care & pls dont get urself burnt when playing with fire ..u noe what i mean ya.
but well, since u've made up ur mind, like you've said.
Don't blame me for writing this whole thing. I had to express my feelings, badly.
I know maybe you'll feel offended . but well, sorry , i mean no harm .
i'm not gonna pollute my blog by commenting on someone else. redundant people ya.
& that person better not piss me off further.
This whole thing is like abt me n you ONLY, i don't see anyone else .
I'm not gonna care abt anyone's feelings anymore, since u pple actually don't bother abt mine.
But yes, u did hurt me bad this time.
If u tink by doing all this will make me give up, maybe ure wrong. I'm as stubborn as you.
i WAS happy with u all along i swear, until u started neglecting me .. for ur own reasons ..
do u noe how shitty it is to miss a person badly? ..
Pls don't think that by not coming back, u wont hurt me anymore in the future.
It's silly. The only way ure nt gonna stop hurting me is ~~come back~~ ? ..
i still hope u'll explain smth .. i still hope maybe u'll tell me what i see is not what i think.
i still hope u'll tell me that you have ur own valid reasons.
i still hope u'll tell me that you din mean it at all ..
i still hope u'll tell me that you still l o v e me .
but i guess i'm hoping for the impossibless..

so far, have u ever taken our relationship n my feelings into consideration? sighs.
afterall, i'll be lying if i say i don't blame you AT ALL after everything.
The damage is done.
And i'm not tryin' to gain ur sympathy here .
i've already did what i can to win ur heart back.. but well.. no chance given.
u shut the door right in front of my face.
after what u've done, u can walk away & pretend that nth has happened at all ..
maybe ure happy in ur new world, happier without me.

its nt easy writing this entry, serious .
i'm not even sure whether ure gonna bother to come to my blog in the first place. -_-
i'm leaving it to fate.

--------------------- Nuff' said .

True friends are the ones who are always there to listen patiently no matter what, and doesn't snap u off or give insensitive comments even when u start to whine 24/7. They'll understand your mood-swings & don't blame you for that .
..& i'm glad i have a whole bunch of them who i can really lean on .
BIGthankyous to lenie, amanda, fattymay, ziying, kenneth, lunnie, cecil, brenda, xueling, william.
they're always a phonecall away . (: trying their best to pull me up again & tolerating my nonsense ..
And to those who showed their concerns .. well, u noe who u pple are. i appreciate it lots. REALLY !

I THINK I'M FUCKING HYSTERICAL .
in a pathetic state & insane mindset to write sucha long entry on a sunday morning as well . I CAN'T HELP IT .
u moronic pple can laugh at me as much as u want to. TAKE UR CHANCE.
JANICE IS DOWN AT LAST . HOORAY .
well. i'll curse u for laughing thou' . u'll get ur karma, IMMEDIATELY, even having evil thinkings. x)
my retribution ? Nah. THIS IS LIFE'S UPS & DOWNS . Don't pity me .
i'm gonna get up, no matter how hard its gonna be . you guys know i will .
i fucking had gone thru' enough .

you can fucking trust me on this . don't be naive & disagree .

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